Getting back into Blogging..

Hi All,

I don't even know if anyone is reading my blog still, but I've decided to try again and keep writing. I've had a massive year, including horrible housemates, lows, highs and my biggest achievement yet of graduating from university with 2 degrees. I'm now working full time and not loving it.

I attended CBT and the domestic violence groups which helped me a lot. I found the CBT very useful in analysing my thoughts and trying to see what was rational and what my depression was telling me. I made some really good friends from the domestic violence group and my self esteem has (slightly..) increased as I now know what I am worth.

My medication was radically changed and now I'm on 60mg of lexapro, 200mg pristiq and 10mg of neulactil. There were some days when I was amazed how well I felt, but unfortunately that has worn off. I feel stable, not LOVING life but I feel like I can cope. I still need to lose weight and quit drinking but I'm doing okay for the moment.

I still don't have a whole lot of friends and I'm struggling to figure out what this whole "life" thing is about. I really want to help others with depression or make new friends so if anyone reading this wants to chat then send me your facebook or something and we can talk. My depression has gotten a LOT better since the change of medication and I'm happy to talk about any experiences of meds, hospitals, cutting, drinking whatever, if you're looking for someone who has been through it all before.

Peace out x

Feeling a little better?

It's strange, I feel a little better today. Since my last post I haven't picked up a drink. Even tonight I was home alone (with nothing to do) which is usually a major reason why I drink, and I just didn't "feel" like it.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling "good" or not, it's quite difficult for me to recognise a change in emotion or feeling. I feel okay.. which I suppose is a lot better than terrible! I've even done some laundry which is how I know I must be feeling better. I did it and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to some people, but I haven't done it myself in ages.

I'm making progress with my psychologist and starting to understand why I hate talking. I'm also making an effort to tell my parents what I want, whereas before I looked after them before myself.

I'm starting CBT on Monday and I'm really hoping that it will help with my self esteem and self loathing. As you all know I'll be going to domestic abuse support groups and depression support groups so I'm really hoping that things will fall into place eventually. I feel like I'm only 1/10 of the way there though :( but progress is still progress I suppose.

I'm just really scared that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling horrible again.

How to know if I'm depressed?

I'm not sure.. I take the tests they give me and it says I'm depressed. But am I really?

Maybe I'm just incapable of experiencing positive emotion.. or maybe what I experience as a very mild positive emotion is happiness for other people. Maybe everyone feels like I feel, but what I think is only mild, they believe is happiness. I feel okay. Numb. I've felt like this for so long I'm starting to wonder if it's just my personality.

I drank on the weekend.. and smoked weed.. and saw my ex (yeah my drinking contract lasted a long time didn't it?). I feel like I've gone back to square one. Just really disappointed in myself since I was doing so well staying clean. I know it's not good for me, yet I do it anyway. It's hard since drinking/smoking makes me feel like I don't exist.. I love it. I can't think. I'm nothing and nothing worries me or bothers me.

Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I'm not going to give up but I feel resigned to this life. I can't kill myself because I wouldn't put others through that pain, but I'm really not sure what else I can do. They've upped my meds again.. just wait I suppose. The worst thing I can imagine is living this life for the next 60 years. 

My Drinking Contract

I'm not sure why I drink, I tend to feel more depressed and even though I'm pretty logical, I continue to drink. This is my contract with myself.

I, the undersigned, vow to never let alcohol touch my lips ALONE from the 07/01/13 until the 07/03/13. If I were ever to make this horrible, terrible and self destructive action that I will donate $100 to a charity of my choice.

I however, give myself permission to have a maximum of 1 beer with friends with dinner etc, in a circumstance where it is acceptable. Anything beer in excess of 1 beer will be a $25 donation to charity.

I have decided to that I will be allowed to drink on holidays (outside of my city) and Australia day (26th Jan) without penalty, as long as I'm not alone.

Signed,

Anonymous xx


(I know, I should have promised for my life but I need baby steps at the moment)... Do you guys think this will work or not?? :( ... 

I'm an idiot.

It's been an incredibly stressful week and I was feeling horrible all day yesterday. I decided to have a drink, just to chill out before I went to bed. I've been trying to only drink with friends and control it to one or two beers which has been working for maybe a month now. Next thing I know, I've driven to the bottle-o to get more wine and called the ex. Long story short and a lot more booze (and obviously what followed), I'm feeling down today for making such a stupid decision.

The is the same ex that hit me on a few occasions and controlled  and manipulated me. I've finally understood that I don't miss him, but I miss the close connection with someone. We only spoke french as he didn't speak english, and it made us even more co-dependent. I'm in a really messed up place in my life, and when someone comes along telling you he loves you and wants to support you, it's so hard not to believe his lies.

I just feel like an idiot and even more alone now that I made him leave this morning. I just scared I'll never find someone that will accept all my problems. I've been looking for a relationship for almost a year, and I just feel like someone will never love me in the (messed up) way my ex loved me. I'm just grateful that someone loves me when I don't feel like anyone ever will. 

Feeling more motivated

Today is a (relatively) good day. I met my housemate at the clinic and we moved in together so we are now each others support system, and I'm glad that I don't live alone anymore. I also had my close friends around last night which made me feel a little better.

I'm feeling okay, kind of like crying all the time but compared to how I usually feel it's not too bad. I'm an out-patient at the clinic because I find some sessions in therapy helpful (better than nothing). I'm booked in for an intensive CBT 2 week course in a few weeks which I hope I'll find useful. I'm still seeing my psychotherapist twice a week too.

I'm also planning to go to a domestic abuse support group but I just have to wait until they re-open for the new year. It's hard to admit but my ex was very emotionally abusive, manipulative and sometimes physically abusive that I never dealt with. I've only found FAIR from Relationships Australia so I'll check them out.

I still wish I didn't exist and I still have suicidal thoughts, but I'm trying to push through. I don't have anything today for the weekend so I'm a little worried I'll just mope around the house, so I need to find something to keep me busy.  I feel like I've got more motivation today to get rid of this stupid depression.

I'm just worried about the future, what if I want to get fucked up tonight.. or feel horrible tomorrow.. I just hope I can get through it

"Discharged"

On the 20/12 I was told by my psychiatrist that he was going on holiday on the 28th. Fine. Ok. No problem. What he failed to tell me that was I would have to be discharged on or before the 28th because I was not allowed to stay in the hospital without being under the care of a psychiatrist. He was not willing to ask a favour of a colleague to take me under his care, so my only options was to find another psychiatrist, discharge, public hospital, or stay with my parents. 

I was NOT ready to leave and I was NOT told this on my admission. On the 21/12, I decided that the stress of the miscommunications (between psychs/therapists/nurses) and basic lies (to cover their arses) was not worth the benefits of staying there. I'm at home by myself now and I just feel like they threw me out into the street. Public hospital psychiatry departments is NOT an option either, I've heard horrible stories from people staying in here. Finding another psychiatrist who works over Christmas and doesn't have a waiting list of at least 3 months is impossible. And if they knew my family situation, they would understand why I can't stay with them.

I was distraught on Thursday about the prospect of leaving early but I held it together due to some wonderful other patients. Friday 21/12, after speaking with my psychiatrist again I asked him to talk to my mum on the phone so that she knew my options (as I wasn't thinking straight). He lied to her about me wanting to stay with them. So I called my mum to come in and calm me down, and to talk to the nurses. The most laughable thing looking back is that the nurse was so disrespectful and clearly "didn't have time for this". Also that "there is a communication problem", to which my mother replied yes there is, and she said "no, that I (being me) have not been communicating with the nurses enough".

I refused to be discharged on the 28th on their terms, and I decided it was very important for me to leave on my own terms. I feel shit at the moment, drank alone last night which I knew was going to happen.. I tried for it not to but it didn't help. The fee at the hospital is $720 per day which thankfully my insurance pays most of, plus medication fees. But what's the point of going if they treat you like that? The psychiatric industry in Australia really needs to be examined if the level of care is that bad a one of the "best private hospitals in perth"

I feel abandoned, lied to, worthless... the worst thing is that they couldn't care less if I went home and killed myself.

I wish it could all just end.

Never felt this low.

As I write this I'm sobbing while listening to music to try to down out the thoughts. I'm still in hospital, day five now and I haven't felt this bad in years, even when I was drinking. I'm on day two of 20mg of Lexapro, day three of 3xSeroquel (?mg) and day five of 4x10mg Valium . I am extremely irritable, moody, fatigued, crying, don't want to talk to anyone and snapping and everyone and everything.

My 'nurse' just came in to talk to me and said she thought I was angry. Damn fucking right I'm angry!! Yesterday another nurse said that someone would come and discuss which group therapy I wanted to be in to see which fits me the best, which didn't happen. I was moved automatically with none of my own informed input. So today I asked to see weekly agendas for the groups to figure out which subjects felt most relevant to my situation, only to be told "they don't have that kind of information". And that she felt I was anxious and controlling, essentially I should just "go with it".

Also my psychiatrist told me I can take 4x10mg of valium per day plus 4x5mg if I need it. Yesterday was THE worst day I've had since I've been here, my nightly dose of valium didn't calm me down and so I asked for another 5mg, only to be refused by the nurses. I don't ask for medication unless I feel like I really need it..  So instead I sat sobbing in my room for around 2 hours until I tired myself out enough to sleep. Should I act like everyone else in this place and cry, scream and cut myself to get the medication I need??

If it doesn't get better soon, I'm seriously considering leaving. I can't handle being told when to eat, what to do, what I can and can't say and not having any privacy. I'm sick of this!! I'm having more suicidal and self harm thoughts since I've been in here than before.

I've got psych's permission for a few hours leave and I'm seriously considering going with a friend to smoke a joint. Just to get away for a few hours. I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling like this for... More than anything I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. 

In-Patient Care..

Ha. I'm not quite sure why I thought I'd be better off in here. Admitted to a private hospital this morning, now I'm just waiting for the Psychiatrist to see me. So basically it's exactly the same as sitting at home doing nothing. Except they took my valium off me. Side effects are getting worse, nausea, dizziness, brain zaps, bouts of unexpected rage and crying non-stop.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to sit in my room and be alone. But I have to see my parents to reassure them I'm fine. I don't even know what to say... maybe I should have just stayed at home. Fuck everything.

I wish I were dead.

So. I'm coming off my medication (Efexor XR 300mg) and I'm feeling like shit. The side effects of dizziness, foggy feeling, flu like feeling, nausea and brain zaps are really getting me down. I'm thinking more and more about suicide and it's horrible. I wish I had no family so it wouldn't matter if I killed myself.

I sucked it up this morning and told my parents that I wasn't doing so well.. The first time in maybe 4 years. We don't tend to communicate. Even today they didn't ask.. they know I'm doing not so well and changing meds but they don't know I would rather be dead. I think it's better that I go into a private clinic (who am I kidding? It's a hospital and I'm ashamed to be going, perhaps tomorrow) to deal with my issues because I can't keep living the way I am. Surviving each day is not living.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't hurt myself because I've been there, I used to smoke weed but I've stopped, and I drink shitloads now but it doesn't help me escape anymore. I'm scared that I will get to the point that I snap and do something stupid. I would never "attempt" suicide because I wouldn't want to be a paraplegic or something. If I would do it, I would do it for real.

I'm very good at pretending to be okay, I wish I wasn't so good at it because then people would realise I'm not okay. I'm high functioning and very adapt at hiding my drinking and sadness. I just hate this so much. I'm not sure people understand if I tell them.. which is why I keep my mouth shut.

Fuck. I'm so sick of this. 8 years and counting.. 

Being busy keeps the depression away..

Firstly, sorry for not posting for a while. I moved house on the weekend and had an exam yesterday and a few next week Apart from being stressful it seems to help keep me sane. I'd rather be doing things than thinking about how I feel.

The back story to the past few weeks is that my therapist didn't know that I wasn't seeing the same doctor over a period of time, I honestly didn't think it was important since I hadn't changed meds. But she was worried since I started "opening up" so I went to see a doctor.. he upped my meds like I thought he would. At least until after my exams, then I'll try a new medication... I doubt it will help.

For the first time since I've started seeing a therapist I brought up suicide. I don't talk much because when I do people tend to over react. She was wondering why I don't tell her everything I'm thinking, I said in certain circumstances she has to tell other people what I said because she has a duty of care. I doubt I could ever do it, unless I was drug fucked. My family means too much to me and I'm not that selfish that I would end my pain only to cause them pain. I'd rather just suffer.

Even as I write this I'm so angry. How dare I feel like this when my parents have given me so much? I want to scream. Or hurt myself. I just want to 'be' and not think. It feels like I live everyday just to survive to please everyone else, but if I just thought about myself I doubt I would be here..

Another day of Apathy

Sitting on the couch with my computer, procrastinating from what I really need to do, only to continue living my pointless existence. I wish I was physically sick, or I had a broken leg or something. That way at least I would be justified in being lazy. Then people would see that I’m sick and not presume I’m fine.

I feel like I’m trapped, silently screaming into the empty abyss that surrounds me. I've got no choice but to continue on. I’m trapped between faking my happiness, which is commonplace for me, and being honest about my sadness, which would expose my weaknesses for the world to judge.

 I’m terrified that people will judge me, when it seems like I have so little to be depressed about. I’m terrified that being honest will make me feel even more alone. I don’t have that many friends, and I’m worried they will abandon me. Why should I burden others with my problems when I could end up being more isolated than before?  

I have no idea why but I’m suddenly filled with rage, towards everyone and everything. I hate everyone who makes it look easy to live, to exist. Why is it so difficult for me? I am powerless to help myself, when I've tried for so long and nothing has worked.

 I feel like I’m trapped in this existence which isn't going to change. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy, if it’s possible that one day I can leave my depression behind, but right now it seems impossible to imagine...

Unforeseen act of kindness

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

- Leo Buscaglia 

I’ll start off by saying I’ve had a horrible few weeks. I’m not sure what has changed but recently I’ve been feeling really down. Yesterday I was completely stressed out and anxious because I hadn’t finished an assignment for my class (at university) and I just couldn’t do it. I struggled all week, desperate to concentrate but to no avail. It seems that unless you have depression, it is near impossible to understand why it takes such an enormous effort to get out of bed and complete tasks that others take for granted.  For lack of a better analogy, it’s like sinking in quicksand while you struggle to get out.

The assignment was due in 24 hours and I felt like giving up. On a whim, I contacted a friend of a friend who had previously offered to help since he knew the topic well but I wasn’t expecting a miracle. I assumed that he would be too busy to help me and I would be wasting my time. I honestly felt that since we weren’t close friends that he would have no incentive to help me.

However he spent over two hours with me re-writing my essay. He gave me insight into what was important and what key points I should cover. Even now, he has no idea about my depression and no idea that I was struggling so badly. But his act of kindness changed my whole day, my whole week and even my whole month. As cliché as it sounds, he helped me to restore some faith that people care for others. He still has no idea how his act of kindness has impacted me.

I just wanted people to know that no matter how insignificant you think an act of kindness is, it may be of paramount significance to the person you’re helping. I’m not a religious person but I believe strongly in “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Has anyone else experienced an act of kindness in a moment of despair that meant a great deal to them?

My Story

So at 4am and countless thoughts running through my mind, I've decided to start a blog. Where to begin? I'm posting anonymously because many of my friends and family are unaware of my problems. I'm a 23 year old girl who has been battling severe depression since my mid-teens. From the outside, no one could ever guess that I'm suffering, especially my family.

I have been going to therapy on and off since I was diagnosed, and I was hospitalised when I was 19 for self harming and suicidal tendencies. I feel like I've been through or am going through everything that comes along with depression: self-harming, alcohol abuse, eating problems and drug use.

I go to great lengths to conceal my sickness and however illogical that I know this is, I can't seem to stop. I'm an expert at concealing my emotions to protect others from the hell and suffering that is within my head. I don't want anyone to know that I'm sad because I don't feel like I have the right to be depressed.  I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I choose to self destruct.

Ever since I was young, I never told others if I was hurt or sad.. I just dealt with it myself.  I don't want to burden others with what I feel are insignificant problems. Lately I've realised that I lack the capacity to talk to people about how I feel, and so I have become increasingly isolated and lonely.

I feel like there is a constant struggle between the logical side in my head, which tells me everything I know to be correct, and my depression. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I more alone than even I thought..