Feeling a little better?

It's strange, I feel a little better today. Since my last post I haven't picked up a drink. Even tonight I was home alone (with nothing to do) which is usually a major reason why I drink, and I just didn't "feel" like it.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling "good" or not, it's quite difficult for me to recognise a change in emotion or feeling. I feel okay.. which I suppose is a lot better than terrible! I've even done some laundry which is how I know I must be feeling better. I did it and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to some people, but I haven't done it myself in ages.

I'm making progress with my psychologist and starting to understand why I hate talking. I'm also making an effort to tell my parents what I want, whereas before I looked after them before myself.

I'm starting CBT on Monday and I'm really hoping that it will help with my self esteem and self loathing. As you all know I'll be going to domestic abuse support groups and depression support groups so I'm really hoping that things will fall into place eventually. I feel like I'm only 1/10 of the way there though :( but progress is still progress I suppose.

I'm just really scared that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling horrible again.

How to know if I'm depressed?

I'm not sure.. I take the tests they give me and it says I'm depressed. But am I really?

Maybe I'm just incapable of experiencing positive emotion.. or maybe what I experience as a very mild positive emotion is happiness for other people. Maybe everyone feels like I feel, but what I think is only mild, they believe is happiness. I feel okay. Numb. I've felt like this for so long I'm starting to wonder if it's just my personality.

I drank on the weekend.. and smoked weed.. and saw my ex (yeah my drinking contract lasted a long time didn't it?). I feel like I've gone back to square one. Just really disappointed in myself since I was doing so well staying clean. I know it's not good for me, yet I do it anyway. It's hard since drinking/smoking makes me feel like I don't exist.. I love it. I can't think. I'm nothing and nothing worries me or bothers me.

Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I'm not going to give up but I feel resigned to this life. I can't kill myself because I wouldn't put others through that pain, but I'm really not sure what else I can do. They've upped my meds again.. just wait I suppose. The worst thing I can imagine is living this life for the next 60 years. 

My Drinking Contract

I'm not sure why I drink, I tend to feel more depressed and even though I'm pretty logical, I continue to drink. This is my contract with myself.

I, the undersigned, vow to never let alcohol touch my lips ALONE from the 07/01/13 until the 07/03/13. If I were ever to make this horrible, terrible and self destructive action that I will donate $100 to a charity of my choice.

I however, give myself permission to have a maximum of 1 beer with friends with dinner etc, in a circumstance where it is acceptable. Anything beer in excess of 1 beer will be a $25 donation to charity.

I have decided to that I will be allowed to drink on holidays (outside of my city) and Australia day (26th Jan) without penalty, as long as I'm not alone.

Signed,

Anonymous xx


(I know, I should have promised for my life but I need baby steps at the moment)... Do you guys think this will work or not?? :( ...