I'm an idiot.

It's been an incredibly stressful week and I was feeling horrible all day yesterday. I decided to have a drink, just to chill out before I went to bed. I've been trying to only drink with friends and control it to one or two beers which has been working for maybe a month now. Next thing I know, I've driven to the bottle-o to get more wine and called the ex. Long story short and a lot more booze (and obviously what followed), I'm feeling down today for making such a stupid decision.

The is the same ex that hit me on a few occasions and controlled  and manipulated me. I've finally understood that I don't miss him, but I miss the close connection with someone. We only spoke french as he didn't speak english, and it made us even more co-dependent. I'm in a really messed up place in my life, and when someone comes along telling you he loves you and wants to support you, it's so hard not to believe his lies.

I just feel like an idiot and even more alone now that I made him leave this morning. I just scared I'll never find someone that will accept all my problems. I've been looking for a relationship for almost a year, and I just feel like someone will never love me in the (messed up) way my ex loved me. I'm just grateful that someone loves me when I don't feel like anyone ever will.