Firstly, sorry for not posting for a while. I moved house on the weekend and had an exam yesterday and a few next week Apart from being stressful it seems to help keep me sane. I'd rather be doing things than thinking about how I feel.
The back story to the past few weeks is that my therapist didn't know that I wasn't seeing the same doctor over a period of time, I honestly didn't think it was important since I hadn't changed meds. But she was worried since I started "opening up" so I went to see a doctor.. he upped my meds like I thought he would. At least until after my exams, then I'll try a new medication... I doubt it will help.
For the first time since I've started seeing a therapist I brought up suicide. I don't talk much because when I do people tend to over react. She was wondering why I don't tell her everything I'm thinking, I said in certain circumstances she has to tell other people what I said because she has a duty of care. I doubt I could ever do it, unless I was drug fucked. My family means too much to me and I'm not that selfish that I would end my pain only to cause them pain. I'd rather just suffer.
Even as I write this I'm so angry. How dare I feel like this when my parents have given me so much? I want to scream. Or hurt myself. I just want to 'be' and not think. It feels like I live everyday just to survive to please everyone else, but if I just thought about myself I doubt I would be here..
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI too, sometimes (still) indulge in suicide ideation... And, like you, I would never consider doing it for the sake of my family.
All that you are feeling has a reason behind it. You don't have to be so mad at yourself for feeling miserable. Self-nurturing is perhaps my most valuable (and hardest o.O) learning.
Getting busy really helps (but not getting too busy :P).
I'm also on medication. I'm taking Cipralex for a year now, and it's helping - giving me more energy and improving my moods. Sometimes I call it "my happiness pill". But eventually I'll have to let go of it.
I wish you a lot of strength - and self-nurturing! It will get better :)
I agree. Many a time I've come close to suicide, but couldn't do it because of my family.
ReplyDeleteYou said you wish you could just be, rather than constantly think. Recently, I've been meditating. It is amazing because it does just that: allows you to be without thinking. Maybe you should try it out?
Find a quiet place, and sit down comfortably. Close your eyes, and focus on nothing but your breath. Every time a thought enters your consciousness, simply acknowledge it and let it drift on. Don't expand upon it - that's how we get depressed. One negative thought leads to another, and soon it's a whole spiral of negativity that encompasses us.
Every time you catch yourself distracted from your breath, simply forgive yourself and go back to your breath. Eventually, you will have a relatively clear mind, and you may even feel euphoric afterwards (I know I do).
Sometimes psychedelics are a good thing to experiment with during times of positivity. It gives us a chance to explore the nether regions of our minds, so that when depression hits again we can view things more objectively. But we must be careful not to add psychedelics to negativity.
Anyway, I'm babbling, but I just wanted to share my thoughts. Again, enjoy the sun, bask in it; you are lucky to live in such a beautiful part of the world.