So at 4am and countless thoughts running through my mind, I've decided to start a blog. Where to begin? I'm posting anonymously because many of my friends and family are unaware of my problems. I'm a 23 year old girl who has been battling severe depression since my mid-teens. From the outside, no one could ever guess that I'm suffering, especially my family.
I have been going to therapy on and off since I was diagnosed, and I was hospitalised when I was 19 for self harming and suicidal tendencies. I feel like I've been through or am going through everything that comes along with depression: self-harming, alcohol abuse, eating problems and drug use.
I go to great lengths to conceal my sickness and however illogical that I know this is, I can't seem to stop. I'm an expert at concealing my emotions to protect others from the hell and suffering that is within my head. I don't want anyone to know that I'm sad because I don't feel like I have the right to be depressed. I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I choose to self destruct.
Ever since I was young, I never told others if I was hurt or sad.. I just dealt with it myself. I don't want to burden others with what I feel are insignificant problems. Lately I've realised that I lack the capacity to talk to people about how I feel, and so I have become increasingly isolated and lonely.
I feel like there is a constant struggle between the logical side in my head, which tells me everything I know to be correct, and my depression. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I more alone than even I thought..
I have been going to therapy on and off since I was diagnosed, and I was hospitalised when I was 19 for self harming and suicidal tendencies. I feel like I've been through or am going through everything that comes along with depression: self-harming, alcohol abuse, eating problems and drug use.
I go to great lengths to conceal my sickness and however illogical that I know this is, I can't seem to stop. I'm an expert at concealing my emotions to protect others from the hell and suffering that is within my head. I don't want anyone to know that I'm sad because I don't feel like I have the right to be depressed. I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I choose to self destruct.
Ever since I was young, I never told others if I was hurt or sad.. I just dealt with it myself. I don't want to burden others with what I feel are insignificant problems. Lately I've realised that I lack the capacity to talk to people about how I feel, and so I have become increasingly isolated and lonely.
I feel like there is a constant struggle between the logical side in my head, which tells me everything I know to be correct, and my depression. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I more alone than even I thought..
Hi! I just found your blog through your comment at Depression Marathon. I want to say that I understand what you're going through, because I've suffered from depression since my adolescence until my mid-twenties. Now (at 29) I'm better, but sometimes I still dwell in that dark place. My depression was triggered by my social phobia. Do you know the origin/main reasons for your depression? And are you in therapy right now? I'll keep reading you.
ReplyDeleteHey :) I'm so glad that you got better, I can only imagine how good it feels. I honestly have no idea what the reason is for my depression, which is so frustrating to think it just appeared. I'm in therapy at the moment twice a week, but usually just once, I've just been feeling quite down lately. Did you have a blog or anything I could read? I'd really like to know your point of view from someone who is 'better' :)
DeleteHi again! I'm sorry for only answering now. How have you been lately? If you click on my name you'll end up in my blog. The address is inspirafundo.blogspot.pt
DeleteP.S. I've subscribed to your blog (I use Google reader). I'm waiting to "hear" from you again! :)
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