Never felt this low.

As I write this I'm sobbing while listening to music to try to down out the thoughts. I'm still in hospital, day five now and I haven't felt this bad in years, even when I was drinking. I'm on day two of 20mg of Lexapro, day three of 3xSeroquel (?mg) and day five of 4x10mg Valium . I am extremely irritable, moody, fatigued, crying, don't want to talk to anyone and snapping and everyone and everything.

My 'nurse' just came in to talk to me and said she thought I was angry. Damn fucking right I'm angry!! Yesterday another nurse said that someone would come and discuss which group therapy I wanted to be in to see which fits me the best, which didn't happen. I was moved automatically with none of my own informed input. So today I asked to see weekly agendas for the groups to figure out which subjects felt most relevant to my situation, only to be told "they don't have that kind of information". And that she felt I was anxious and controlling, essentially I should just "go with it".

Also my psychiatrist told me I can take 4x10mg of valium per day plus 4x5mg if I need it. Yesterday was THE worst day I've had since I've been here, my nightly dose of valium didn't calm me down and so I asked for another 5mg, only to be refused by the nurses. I don't ask for medication unless I feel like I really need it..  So instead I sat sobbing in my room for around 2 hours until I tired myself out enough to sleep. Should I act like everyone else in this place and cry, scream and cut myself to get the medication I need??

If it doesn't get better soon, I'm seriously considering leaving. I can't handle being told when to eat, what to do, what I can and can't say and not having any privacy. I'm sick of this!! I'm having more suicidal and self harm thoughts since I've been in here than before.

I've got psych's permission for a few hours leave and I'm seriously considering going with a friend to smoke a joint. Just to get away for a few hours. I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling like this for... More than anything I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. 

I wish I were dead.

So. I'm coming off my medication (Efexor XR 300mg) and I'm feeling like shit. The side effects of dizziness, foggy feeling, flu like feeling, nausea and brain zaps are really getting me down. I'm thinking more and more about suicide and it's horrible. I wish I had no family so it wouldn't matter if I killed myself.

I sucked it up this morning and told my parents that I wasn't doing so well.. The first time in maybe 4 years. We don't tend to communicate. Even today they didn't ask.. they know I'm doing not so well and changing meds but they don't know I would rather be dead. I think it's better that I go into a private clinic (who am I kidding? It's a hospital and I'm ashamed to be going, perhaps tomorrow) to deal with my issues because I can't keep living the way I am. Surviving each day is not living.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't hurt myself because I've been there, I used to smoke weed but I've stopped, and I drink shitloads now but it doesn't help me escape anymore. I'm scared that I will get to the point that I snap and do something stupid. I would never "attempt" suicide because I wouldn't want to be a paraplegic or something. If I would do it, I would do it for real.

I'm very good at pretending to be okay, I wish I wasn't so good at it because then people would realise I'm not okay. I'm high functioning and very adapt at hiding my drinking and sadness. I just hate this so much. I'm not sure people understand if I tell them.. which is why I keep my mouth shut.

Fuck. I'm so sick of this. 8 years and counting.. 

Being busy keeps the depression away..

Firstly, sorry for not posting for a while. I moved house on the weekend and had an exam yesterday and a few next week Apart from being stressful it seems to help keep me sane. I'd rather be doing things than thinking about how I feel.

The back story to the past few weeks is that my therapist didn't know that I wasn't seeing the same doctor over a period of time, I honestly didn't think it was important since I hadn't changed meds. But she was worried since I started "opening up" so I went to see a doctor.. he upped my meds like I thought he would. At least until after my exams, then I'll try a new medication... I doubt it will help.

For the first time since I've started seeing a therapist I brought up suicide. I don't talk much because when I do people tend to over react. She was wondering why I don't tell her everything I'm thinking, I said in certain circumstances she has to tell other people what I said because she has a duty of care. I doubt I could ever do it, unless I was drug fucked. My family means too much to me and I'm not that selfish that I would end my pain only to cause them pain. I'd rather just suffer.

Even as I write this I'm so angry. How dare I feel like this when my parents have given me so much? I want to scream. Or hurt myself. I just want to 'be' and not think. It feels like I live everyday just to survive to please everyone else, but if I just thought about myself I doubt I would be here..