Feeling a little better?

It's strange, I feel a little better today. Since my last post I haven't picked up a drink. Even tonight I was home alone (with nothing to do) which is usually a major reason why I drink, and I just didn't "feel" like it.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling "good" or not, it's quite difficult for me to recognise a change in emotion or feeling. I feel okay.. which I suppose is a lot better than terrible! I've even done some laundry which is how I know I must be feeling better. I did it and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to some people, but I haven't done it myself in ages.

I'm making progress with my psychologist and starting to understand why I hate talking. I'm also making an effort to tell my parents what I want, whereas before I looked after them before myself.

I'm starting CBT on Monday and I'm really hoping that it will help with my self esteem and self loathing. As you all know I'll be going to domestic abuse support groups and depression support groups so I'm really hoping that things will fall into place eventually. I feel like I'm only 1/10 of the way there though :( but progress is still progress I suppose.

I'm just really scared that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling horrible again.

Feeling more motivated

Today is a (relatively) good day. I met my housemate at the clinic and we moved in together so we are now each others support system, and I'm glad that I don't live alone anymore. I also had my close friends around last night which made me feel a little better.

I'm feeling okay, kind of like crying all the time but compared to how I usually feel it's not too bad. I'm an out-patient at the clinic because I find some sessions in therapy helpful (better than nothing). I'm booked in for an intensive CBT 2 week course in a few weeks which I hope I'll find useful. I'm still seeing my psychotherapist twice a week too.

I'm also planning to go to a domestic abuse support group but I just have to wait until they re-open for the new year. It's hard to admit but my ex was very emotionally abusive, manipulative and sometimes physically abusive that I never dealt with. I've only found FAIR from Relationships Australia so I'll check them out.

I still wish I didn't exist and I still have suicidal thoughts, but I'm trying to push through. I don't have anything today for the weekend so I'm a little worried I'll just mope around the house, so I need to find something to keep me busy.  I feel like I've got more motivation today to get rid of this stupid depression.

I'm just worried about the future, what if I want to get fucked up tonight.. or feel horrible tomorrow.. I just hope I can get through it