I'm not sure.. I take the tests they give me and it says I'm depressed. But am I really?
Maybe I'm just incapable of experiencing positive emotion.. or maybe what I experience as a very mild positive emotion is happiness for other people. Maybe everyone feels like I feel, but what I think is only mild, they believe is happiness. I feel okay. Numb. I've felt like this for so long I'm starting to wonder if it's just my personality.
I drank on the weekend.. and smoked weed.. and saw my ex (yeah my drinking contract lasted a long time didn't it?). I feel like I've gone back to square one. Just really disappointed in myself since I was doing so well staying clean. I know it's not good for me, yet I do it anyway. It's hard since drinking/smoking makes me feel like I don't exist.. I love it. I can't think. I'm nothing and nothing worries me or bothers me.
Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I'm not going to give up but I feel resigned to this life. I can't kill myself because I wouldn't put others through that pain, but I'm really not sure what else I can do. They've upped my meds again.. just wait I suppose. The worst thing I can imagine is living this life for the next 60 years.
Maybe I'm just incapable of experiencing positive emotion.. or maybe what I experience as a very mild positive emotion is happiness for other people. Maybe everyone feels like I feel, but what I think is only mild, they believe is happiness. I feel okay. Numb. I've felt like this for so long I'm starting to wonder if it's just my personality.
I drank on the weekend.. and smoked weed.. and saw my ex (yeah my drinking contract lasted a long time didn't it?). I feel like I've gone back to square one. Just really disappointed in myself since I was doing so well staying clean. I know it's not good for me, yet I do it anyway. It's hard since drinking/smoking makes me feel like I don't exist.. I love it. I can't think. I'm nothing and nothing worries me or bothers me.
Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I'm not going to give up but I feel resigned to this life. I can't kill myself because I wouldn't put others through that pain, but I'm really not sure what else I can do. They've upped my meds again.. just wait I suppose. The worst thing I can imagine is living this life for the next 60 years.
This is truly terrible. i understand how you feel. I gave up on the majority of the world. I don't even leave my house anymore. Haven't been in the outside world for about half a year now. I'm not completely sure why i am telling you all of this....maybe its empathy....or selfishness.....but miserly loves company right? maybe this made you feel better. I'm not very good at it, but i try. please have a good day at least.
ReplyDeleteIt makes it better even knowing someone understands.. I just feel so alone all the time. I'm glad you're telling me though, definitely not selfishness so don't even think that. I hope you feel better too. I know it sucks, but don't give up.
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