Feeling more motivated

Today is a (relatively) good day. I met my housemate at the clinic and we moved in together so we are now each others support system, and I'm glad that I don't live alone anymore. I also had my close friends around last night which made me feel a little better.

I'm feeling okay, kind of like crying all the time but compared to how I usually feel it's not too bad. I'm an out-patient at the clinic because I find some sessions in therapy helpful (better than nothing). I'm booked in for an intensive CBT 2 week course in a few weeks which I hope I'll find useful. I'm still seeing my psychotherapist twice a week too.

I'm also planning to go to a domestic abuse support group but I just have to wait until they re-open for the new year. It's hard to admit but my ex was very emotionally abusive, manipulative and sometimes physically abusive that I never dealt with. I've only found FAIR from Relationships Australia so I'll check them out.

I still wish I didn't exist and I still have suicidal thoughts, but I'm trying to push through. I don't have anything today for the weekend so I'm a little worried I'll just mope around the house, so I need to find something to keep me busy.  I feel like I've got more motivation today to get rid of this stupid depression.

I'm just worried about the future, what if I want to get fucked up tonight.. or feel horrible tomorrow.. I just hope I can get through it

"Discharged"

On the 20/12 I was told by my psychiatrist that he was going on holiday on the 28th. Fine. Ok. No problem. What he failed to tell me that was I would have to be discharged on or before the 28th because I was not allowed to stay in the hospital without being under the care of a psychiatrist. He was not willing to ask a favour of a colleague to take me under his care, so my only options was to find another psychiatrist, discharge, public hospital, or stay with my parents. 

I was NOT ready to leave and I was NOT told this on my admission. On the 21/12, I decided that the stress of the miscommunications (between psychs/therapists/nurses) and basic lies (to cover their arses) was not worth the benefits of staying there. I'm at home by myself now and I just feel like they threw me out into the street. Public hospital psychiatry departments is NOT an option either, I've heard horrible stories from people staying in here. Finding another psychiatrist who works over Christmas and doesn't have a waiting list of at least 3 months is impossible. And if they knew my family situation, they would understand why I can't stay with them.

I was distraught on Thursday about the prospect of leaving early but I held it together due to some wonderful other patients. Friday 21/12, after speaking with my psychiatrist again I asked him to talk to my mum on the phone so that she knew my options (as I wasn't thinking straight). He lied to her about me wanting to stay with them. So I called my mum to come in and calm me down, and to talk to the nurses. The most laughable thing looking back is that the nurse was so disrespectful and clearly "didn't have time for this". Also that "there is a communication problem", to which my mother replied yes there is, and she said "no, that I (being me) have not been communicating with the nurses enough".

I refused to be discharged on the 28th on their terms, and I decided it was very important for me to leave on my own terms. I feel shit at the moment, drank alone last night which I knew was going to happen.. I tried for it not to but it didn't help. The fee at the hospital is $720 per day which thankfully my insurance pays most of, plus medication fees. But what's the point of going if they treat you like that? The psychiatric industry in Australia really needs to be examined if the level of care is that bad a one of the "best private hospitals in perth"

I feel abandoned, lied to, worthless... the worst thing is that they couldn't care less if I went home and killed myself.

I wish it could all just end.

Never felt this low.

As I write this I'm sobbing while listening to music to try to down out the thoughts. I'm still in hospital, day five now and I haven't felt this bad in years, even when I was drinking. I'm on day two of 20mg of Lexapro, day three of 3xSeroquel (?mg) and day five of 4x10mg Valium . I am extremely irritable, moody, fatigued, crying, don't want to talk to anyone and snapping and everyone and everything.

My 'nurse' just came in to talk to me and said she thought I was angry. Damn fucking right I'm angry!! Yesterday another nurse said that someone would come and discuss which group therapy I wanted to be in to see which fits me the best, which didn't happen. I was moved automatically with none of my own informed input. So today I asked to see weekly agendas for the groups to figure out which subjects felt most relevant to my situation, only to be told "they don't have that kind of information". And that she felt I was anxious and controlling, essentially I should just "go with it".

Also my psychiatrist told me I can take 4x10mg of valium per day plus 4x5mg if I need it. Yesterday was THE worst day I've had since I've been here, my nightly dose of valium didn't calm me down and so I asked for another 5mg, only to be refused by the nurses. I don't ask for medication unless I feel like I really need it..  So instead I sat sobbing in my room for around 2 hours until I tired myself out enough to sleep. Should I act like everyone else in this place and cry, scream and cut myself to get the medication I need??

If it doesn't get better soon, I'm seriously considering leaving. I can't handle being told when to eat, what to do, what I can and can't say and not having any privacy. I'm sick of this!! I'm having more suicidal and self harm thoughts since I've been in here than before.

I've got psych's permission for a few hours leave and I'm seriously considering going with a friend to smoke a joint. Just to get away for a few hours. I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling like this for... More than anything I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. 

In-Patient Care..

Ha. I'm not quite sure why I thought I'd be better off in here. Admitted to a private hospital this morning, now I'm just waiting for the Psychiatrist to see me. So basically it's exactly the same as sitting at home doing nothing. Except they took my valium off me. Side effects are getting worse, nausea, dizziness, brain zaps, bouts of unexpected rage and crying non-stop.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to sit in my room and be alone. But I have to see my parents to reassure them I'm fine. I don't even know what to say... maybe I should have just stayed at home. Fuck everything.

I wish I were dead.

So. I'm coming off my medication (Efexor XR 300mg) and I'm feeling like shit. The side effects of dizziness, foggy feeling, flu like feeling, nausea and brain zaps are really getting me down. I'm thinking more and more about suicide and it's horrible. I wish I had no family so it wouldn't matter if I killed myself.

I sucked it up this morning and told my parents that I wasn't doing so well.. The first time in maybe 4 years. We don't tend to communicate. Even today they didn't ask.. they know I'm doing not so well and changing meds but they don't know I would rather be dead. I think it's better that I go into a private clinic (who am I kidding? It's a hospital and I'm ashamed to be going, perhaps tomorrow) to deal with my issues because I can't keep living the way I am. Surviving each day is not living.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't hurt myself because I've been there, I used to smoke weed but I've stopped, and I drink shitloads now but it doesn't help me escape anymore. I'm scared that I will get to the point that I snap and do something stupid. I would never "attempt" suicide because I wouldn't want to be a paraplegic or something. If I would do it, I would do it for real.

I'm very good at pretending to be okay, I wish I wasn't so good at it because then people would realise I'm not okay. I'm high functioning and very adapt at hiding my drinking and sadness. I just hate this so much. I'm not sure people understand if I tell them.. which is why I keep my mouth shut.

Fuck. I'm so sick of this. 8 years and counting.. 

Being busy keeps the depression away..

Firstly, sorry for not posting for a while. I moved house on the weekend and had an exam yesterday and a few next week Apart from being stressful it seems to help keep me sane. I'd rather be doing things than thinking about how I feel.

The back story to the past few weeks is that my therapist didn't know that I wasn't seeing the same doctor over a period of time, I honestly didn't think it was important since I hadn't changed meds. But she was worried since I started "opening up" so I went to see a doctor.. he upped my meds like I thought he would. At least until after my exams, then I'll try a new medication... I doubt it will help.

For the first time since I've started seeing a therapist I brought up suicide. I don't talk much because when I do people tend to over react. She was wondering why I don't tell her everything I'm thinking, I said in certain circumstances she has to tell other people what I said because she has a duty of care. I doubt I could ever do it, unless I was drug fucked. My family means too much to me and I'm not that selfish that I would end my pain only to cause them pain. I'd rather just suffer.

Even as I write this I'm so angry. How dare I feel like this when my parents have given me so much? I want to scream. Or hurt myself. I just want to 'be' and not think. It feels like I live everyday just to survive to please everyone else, but if I just thought about myself I doubt I would be here..

Another day of Apathy

Sitting on the couch with my computer, procrastinating from what I really need to do, only to continue living my pointless existence. I wish I was physically sick, or I had a broken leg or something. That way at least I would be justified in being lazy. Then people would see that I’m sick and not presume I’m fine.

I feel like I’m trapped, silently screaming into the empty abyss that surrounds me. I've got no choice but to continue on. I’m trapped between faking my happiness, which is commonplace for me, and being honest about my sadness, which would expose my weaknesses for the world to judge.

 I’m terrified that people will judge me, when it seems like I have so little to be depressed about. I’m terrified that being honest will make me feel even more alone. I don’t have that many friends, and I’m worried they will abandon me. Why should I burden others with my problems when I could end up being more isolated than before?  

I have no idea why but I’m suddenly filled with rage, towards everyone and everything. I hate everyone who makes it look easy to live, to exist. Why is it so difficult for me? I am powerless to help myself, when I've tried for so long and nothing has worked.

 I feel like I’m trapped in this existence which isn't going to change. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy, if it’s possible that one day I can leave my depression behind, but right now it seems impossible to imagine...

Unforeseen act of kindness

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

- Leo Buscaglia 

I’ll start off by saying I’ve had a horrible few weeks. I’m not sure what has changed but recently I’ve been feeling really down. Yesterday I was completely stressed out and anxious because I hadn’t finished an assignment for my class (at university) and I just couldn’t do it. I struggled all week, desperate to concentrate but to no avail. It seems that unless you have depression, it is near impossible to understand why it takes such an enormous effort to get out of bed and complete tasks that others take for granted.  For lack of a better analogy, it’s like sinking in quicksand while you struggle to get out.

The assignment was due in 24 hours and I felt like giving up. On a whim, I contacted a friend of a friend who had previously offered to help since he knew the topic well but I wasn’t expecting a miracle. I assumed that he would be too busy to help me and I would be wasting my time. I honestly felt that since we weren’t close friends that he would have no incentive to help me.

However he spent over two hours with me re-writing my essay. He gave me insight into what was important and what key points I should cover. Even now, he has no idea about my depression and no idea that I was struggling so badly. But his act of kindness changed my whole day, my whole week and even my whole month. As cliché as it sounds, he helped me to restore some faith that people care for others. He still has no idea how his act of kindness has impacted me.

I just wanted people to know that no matter how insignificant you think an act of kindness is, it may be of paramount significance to the person you’re helping. I’m not a religious person but I believe strongly in “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Has anyone else experienced an act of kindness in a moment of despair that meant a great deal to them?

My Story

So at 4am and countless thoughts running through my mind, I've decided to start a blog. Where to begin? I'm posting anonymously because many of my friends and family are unaware of my problems. I'm a 23 year old girl who has been battling severe depression since my mid-teens. From the outside, no one could ever guess that I'm suffering, especially my family.

I have been going to therapy on and off since I was diagnosed, and I was hospitalised when I was 19 for self harming and suicidal tendencies. I feel like I've been through or am going through everything that comes along with depression: self-harming, alcohol abuse, eating problems and drug use.

I go to great lengths to conceal my sickness and however illogical that I know this is, I can't seem to stop. I'm an expert at concealing my emotions to protect others from the hell and suffering that is within my head. I don't want anyone to know that I'm sad because I don't feel like I have the right to be depressed.  I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I choose to self destruct.

Ever since I was young, I never told others if I was hurt or sad.. I just dealt with it myself.  I don't want to burden others with what I feel are insignificant problems. Lately I've realised that I lack the capacity to talk to people about how I feel, and so I have become increasingly isolated and lonely.

I feel like there is a constant struggle between the logical side in my head, which tells me everything I know to be correct, and my depression. Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I more alone than even I thought..