Firstly, sorry for not posting for a while. I moved house on the weekend and had an exam yesterday and a few next week Apart from being stressful it seems to help keep me sane. I'd rather be doing things than thinking about how I feel.
The back story to the past few weeks is that my therapist didn't know that I wasn't seeing the same doctor over a period of time, I honestly didn't think it was important since I hadn't changed meds. But she was worried since I started "opening up" so I went to see a doctor.. he upped my meds like I thought he would. At least until after my exams, then I'll try a new medication... I doubt it will help.
For the first time since I've started seeing a therapist I brought up suicide. I don't talk much because when I do people tend to over react. She was wondering why I don't tell her everything I'm thinking, I said in certain circumstances she has to tell other people what I said because she has a duty of care. I doubt I could ever do it, unless I was drug fucked. My family means too much to me and I'm not that selfish that I would end my pain only to cause them pain. I'd rather just suffer.
Even as I write this I'm so angry. How dare I feel like this when my parents have given me so much? I want to scream. Or hurt myself. I just want to 'be' and not think. It feels like I live everyday just to survive to please everyone else, but if I just thought about myself I doubt I would be here..
