Feeling more motivated

Today is a (relatively) good day. I met my housemate at the clinic and we moved in together so we are now each others support system, and I'm glad that I don't live alone anymore. I also had my close friends around last night which made me feel a little better.

I'm feeling okay, kind of like crying all the time but compared to how I usually feel it's not too bad. I'm an out-patient at the clinic because I find some sessions in therapy helpful (better than nothing). I'm booked in for an intensive CBT 2 week course in a few weeks which I hope I'll find useful. I'm still seeing my psychotherapist twice a week too.

I'm also planning to go to a domestic abuse support group but I just have to wait until they re-open for the new year. It's hard to admit but my ex was very emotionally abusive, manipulative and sometimes physically abusive that I never dealt with. I've only found FAIR from Relationships Australia so I'll check them out.

I still wish I didn't exist and I still have suicidal thoughts, but I'm trying to push through. I don't have anything today for the weekend so I'm a little worried I'll just mope around the house, so I need to find something to keep me busy.  I feel like I've got more motivation today to get rid of this stupid depression.

I'm just worried about the future, what if I want to get fucked up tonight.. or feel horrible tomorrow.. I just hope I can get through it

"Discharged"

On the 20/12 I was told by my psychiatrist that he was going on holiday on the 28th. Fine. Ok. No problem. What he failed to tell me that was I would have to be discharged on or before the 28th because I was not allowed to stay in the hospital without being under the care of a psychiatrist. He was not willing to ask a favour of a colleague to take me under his care, so my only options was to find another psychiatrist, discharge, public hospital, or stay with my parents. 

I was NOT ready to leave and I was NOT told this on my admission. On the 21/12, I decided that the stress of the miscommunications (between psychs/therapists/nurses) and basic lies (to cover their arses) was not worth the benefits of staying there. I'm at home by myself now and I just feel like they threw me out into the street. Public hospital psychiatry departments is NOT an option either, I've heard horrible stories from people staying in here. Finding another psychiatrist who works over Christmas and doesn't have a waiting list of at least 3 months is impossible. And if they knew my family situation, they would understand why I can't stay with them.

I was distraught on Thursday about the prospect of leaving early but I held it together due to some wonderful other patients. Friday 21/12, after speaking with my psychiatrist again I asked him to talk to my mum on the phone so that she knew my options (as I wasn't thinking straight). He lied to her about me wanting to stay with them. So I called my mum to come in and calm me down, and to talk to the nurses. The most laughable thing looking back is that the nurse was so disrespectful and clearly "didn't have time for this". Also that "there is a communication problem", to which my mother replied yes there is, and she said "no, that I (being me) have not been communicating with the nurses enough".

I refused to be discharged on the 28th on their terms, and I decided it was very important for me to leave on my own terms. I feel shit at the moment, drank alone last night which I knew was going to happen.. I tried for it not to but it didn't help. The fee at the hospital is $720 per day which thankfully my insurance pays most of, plus medication fees. But what's the point of going if they treat you like that? The psychiatric industry in Australia really needs to be examined if the level of care is that bad a one of the "best private hospitals in perth"

I feel abandoned, lied to, worthless... the worst thing is that they couldn't care less if I went home and killed myself.

I wish it could all just end.

Never felt this low.

As I write this I'm sobbing while listening to music to try to down out the thoughts. I'm still in hospital, day five now and I haven't felt this bad in years, even when I was drinking. I'm on day two of 20mg of Lexapro, day three of 3xSeroquel (?mg) and day five of 4x10mg Valium . I am extremely irritable, moody, fatigued, crying, don't want to talk to anyone and snapping and everyone and everything.

My 'nurse' just came in to talk to me and said she thought I was angry. Damn fucking right I'm angry!! Yesterday another nurse said that someone would come and discuss which group therapy I wanted to be in to see which fits me the best, which didn't happen. I was moved automatically with none of my own informed input. So today I asked to see weekly agendas for the groups to figure out which subjects felt most relevant to my situation, only to be told "they don't have that kind of information". And that she felt I was anxious and controlling, essentially I should just "go with it".

Also my psychiatrist told me I can take 4x10mg of valium per day plus 4x5mg if I need it. Yesterday was THE worst day I've had since I've been here, my nightly dose of valium didn't calm me down and so I asked for another 5mg, only to be refused by the nurses. I don't ask for medication unless I feel like I really need it..  So instead I sat sobbing in my room for around 2 hours until I tired myself out enough to sleep. Should I act like everyone else in this place and cry, scream and cut myself to get the medication I need??

If it doesn't get better soon, I'm seriously considering leaving. I can't handle being told when to eat, what to do, what I can and can't say and not having any privacy. I'm sick of this!! I'm having more suicidal and self harm thoughts since I've been in here than before.

I've got psych's permission for a few hours leave and I'm seriously considering going with a friend to smoke a joint. Just to get away for a few hours. I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling like this for... More than anything I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. 

In-Patient Care..

Ha. I'm not quite sure why I thought I'd be better off in here. Admitted to a private hospital this morning, now I'm just waiting for the Psychiatrist to see me. So basically it's exactly the same as sitting at home doing nothing. Except they took my valium off me. Side effects are getting worse, nausea, dizziness, brain zaps, bouts of unexpected rage and crying non-stop.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to sit in my room and be alone. But I have to see my parents to reassure them I'm fine. I don't even know what to say... maybe I should have just stayed at home. Fuck everything.

I wish I were dead.

So. I'm coming off my medication (Efexor XR 300mg) and I'm feeling like shit. The side effects of dizziness, foggy feeling, flu like feeling, nausea and brain zaps are really getting me down. I'm thinking more and more about suicide and it's horrible. I wish I had no family so it wouldn't matter if I killed myself.

I sucked it up this morning and told my parents that I wasn't doing so well.. The first time in maybe 4 years. We don't tend to communicate. Even today they didn't ask.. they know I'm doing not so well and changing meds but they don't know I would rather be dead. I think it's better that I go into a private clinic (who am I kidding? It's a hospital and I'm ashamed to be going, perhaps tomorrow) to deal with my issues because I can't keep living the way I am. Surviving each day is not living.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't hurt myself because I've been there, I used to smoke weed but I've stopped, and I drink shitloads now but it doesn't help me escape anymore. I'm scared that I will get to the point that I snap and do something stupid. I would never "attempt" suicide because I wouldn't want to be a paraplegic or something. If I would do it, I would do it for real.

I'm very good at pretending to be okay, I wish I wasn't so good at it because then people would realise I'm not okay. I'm high functioning and very adapt at hiding my drinking and sadness. I just hate this so much. I'm not sure people understand if I tell them.. which is why I keep my mouth shut.

Fuck. I'm so sick of this. 8 years and counting..