Feeling a little better?

It's strange, I feel a little better today. Since my last post I haven't picked up a drink. Even tonight I was home alone (with nothing to do) which is usually a major reason why I drink, and I just didn't "feel" like it.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling "good" or not, it's quite difficult for me to recognise a change in emotion or feeling. I feel okay.. which I suppose is a lot better than terrible! I've even done some laundry which is how I know I must be feeling better. I did it and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to some people, but I haven't done it myself in ages.

I'm making progress with my psychologist and starting to understand why I hate talking. I'm also making an effort to tell my parents what I want, whereas before I looked after them before myself.

I'm starting CBT on Monday and I'm really hoping that it will help with my self esteem and self loathing. As you all know I'll be going to domestic abuse support groups and depression support groups so I'm really hoping that things will fall into place eventually. I feel like I'm only 1/10 of the way there though :( but progress is still progress I suppose.

I'm just really scared that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling horrible again.

How to know if I'm depressed?

I'm not sure.. I take the tests they give me and it says I'm depressed. But am I really?

Maybe I'm just incapable of experiencing positive emotion.. or maybe what I experience as a very mild positive emotion is happiness for other people. Maybe everyone feels like I feel, but what I think is only mild, they believe is happiness. I feel okay. Numb. I've felt like this for so long I'm starting to wonder if it's just my personality.

I drank on the weekend.. and smoked weed.. and saw my ex (yeah my drinking contract lasted a long time didn't it?). I feel like I've gone back to square one. Just really disappointed in myself since I was doing so well staying clean. I know it's not good for me, yet I do it anyway. It's hard since drinking/smoking makes me feel like I don't exist.. I love it. I can't think. I'm nothing and nothing worries me or bothers me.

Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I'm not going to give up but I feel resigned to this life. I can't kill myself because I wouldn't put others through that pain, but I'm really not sure what else I can do. They've upped my meds again.. just wait I suppose. The worst thing I can imagine is living this life for the next 60 years. 

My Drinking Contract

I'm not sure why I drink, I tend to feel more depressed and even though I'm pretty logical, I continue to drink. This is my contract with myself.

I, the undersigned, vow to never let alcohol touch my lips ALONE from the 07/01/13 until the 07/03/13. If I were ever to make this horrible, terrible and self destructive action that I will donate $100 to a charity of my choice.

I however, give myself permission to have a maximum of 1 beer with friends with dinner etc, in a circumstance where it is acceptable. Anything beer in excess of 1 beer will be a $25 donation to charity.

I have decided to that I will be allowed to drink on holidays (outside of my city) and Australia day (26th Jan) without penalty, as long as I'm not alone.

Signed,

Anonymous xx


(I know, I should have promised for my life but I need baby steps at the moment)... Do you guys think this will work or not?? :( ... 

I'm an idiot.

It's been an incredibly stressful week and I was feeling horrible all day yesterday. I decided to have a drink, just to chill out before I went to bed. I've been trying to only drink with friends and control it to one or two beers which has been working for maybe a month now. Next thing I know, I've driven to the bottle-o to get more wine and called the ex. Long story short and a lot more booze (and obviously what followed), I'm feeling down today for making such a stupid decision.

The is the same ex that hit me on a few occasions and controlled  and manipulated me. I've finally understood that I don't miss him, but I miss the close connection with someone. We only spoke french as he didn't speak english, and it made us even more co-dependent. I'm in a really messed up place in my life, and when someone comes along telling you he loves you and wants to support you, it's so hard not to believe his lies.

I just feel like an idiot and even more alone now that I made him leave this morning. I just scared I'll never find someone that will accept all my problems. I've been looking for a relationship for almost a year, and I just feel like someone will never love me in the (messed up) way my ex loved me. I'm just grateful that someone loves me when I don't feel like anyone ever will.