Getting back into Blogging..

Hi All,

I don't even know if anyone is reading my blog still, but I've decided to try again and keep writing. I've had a massive year, including horrible housemates, lows, highs and my biggest achievement yet of graduating from university with 2 degrees. I'm now working full time and not loving it.

I attended CBT and the domestic violence groups which helped me a lot. I found the CBT very useful in analysing my thoughts and trying to see what was rational and what my depression was telling me. I made some really good friends from the domestic violence group and my self esteem has (slightly..) increased as I now know what I am worth.

My medication was radically changed and now I'm on 60mg of lexapro, 200mg pristiq and 10mg of neulactil. There were some days when I was amazed how well I felt, but unfortunately that has worn off. I feel stable, not LOVING life but I feel like I can cope. I still need to lose weight and quit drinking but I'm doing okay for the moment.

I still don't have a whole lot of friends and I'm struggling to figure out what this whole "life" thing is about. I really want to help others with depression or make new friends so if anyone reading this wants to chat then send me your facebook or something and we can talk. My depression has gotten a LOT better since the change of medication and I'm happy to talk about any experiences of meds, hospitals, cutting, drinking whatever, if you're looking for someone who has been through it all before.

Peace out x

Feeling a little better?

It's strange, I feel a little better today. Since my last post I haven't picked up a drink. Even tonight I was home alone (with nothing to do) which is usually a major reason why I drink, and I just didn't "feel" like it.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling "good" or not, it's quite difficult for me to recognise a change in emotion or feeling. I feel okay.. which I suppose is a lot better than terrible! I've even done some laundry which is how I know I must be feeling better. I did it and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to some people, but I haven't done it myself in ages.

I'm making progress with my psychologist and starting to understand why I hate talking. I'm also making an effort to tell my parents what I want, whereas before I looked after them before myself.

I'm starting CBT on Monday and I'm really hoping that it will help with my self esteem and self loathing. As you all know I'll be going to domestic abuse support groups and depression support groups so I'm really hoping that things will fall into place eventually. I feel like I'm only 1/10 of the way there though :( but progress is still progress I suppose.

I'm just really scared that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling horrible again.

How to know if I'm depressed?

I'm not sure.. I take the tests they give me and it says I'm depressed. But am I really?

Maybe I'm just incapable of experiencing positive emotion.. or maybe what I experience as a very mild positive emotion is happiness for other people. Maybe everyone feels like I feel, but what I think is only mild, they believe is happiness. I feel okay. Numb. I've felt like this for so long I'm starting to wonder if it's just my personality.

I drank on the weekend.. and smoked weed.. and saw my ex (yeah my drinking contract lasted a long time didn't it?). I feel like I've gone back to square one. Just really disappointed in myself since I was doing so well staying clean. I know it's not good for me, yet I do it anyway. It's hard since drinking/smoking makes me feel like I don't exist.. I love it. I can't think. I'm nothing and nothing worries me or bothers me.

Maybe I'm destined to be like this. I'm not going to give up but I feel resigned to this life. I can't kill myself because I wouldn't put others through that pain, but I'm really not sure what else I can do. They've upped my meds again.. just wait I suppose. The worst thing I can imagine is living this life for the next 60 years. 

My Drinking Contract

I'm not sure why I drink, I tend to feel more depressed and even though I'm pretty logical, I continue to drink. This is my contract with myself.

I, the undersigned, vow to never let alcohol touch my lips ALONE from the 07/01/13 until the 07/03/13. If I were ever to make this horrible, terrible and self destructive action that I will donate $100 to a charity of my choice.

I however, give myself permission to have a maximum of 1 beer with friends with dinner etc, in a circumstance where it is acceptable. Anything beer in excess of 1 beer will be a $25 donation to charity.

I have decided to that I will be allowed to drink on holidays (outside of my city) and Australia day (26th Jan) without penalty, as long as I'm not alone.

Signed,

Anonymous xx


(I know, I should have promised for my life but I need baby steps at the moment)... Do you guys think this will work or not?? :( ... 

I'm an idiot.

It's been an incredibly stressful week and I was feeling horrible all day yesterday. I decided to have a drink, just to chill out before I went to bed. I've been trying to only drink with friends and control it to one or two beers which has been working for maybe a month now. Next thing I know, I've driven to the bottle-o to get more wine and called the ex. Long story short and a lot more booze (and obviously what followed), I'm feeling down today for making such a stupid decision.

The is the same ex that hit me on a few occasions and controlled  and manipulated me. I've finally understood that I don't miss him, but I miss the close connection with someone. We only spoke french as he didn't speak english, and it made us even more co-dependent. I'm in a really messed up place in my life, and when someone comes along telling you he loves you and wants to support you, it's so hard not to believe his lies.

I just feel like an idiot and even more alone now that I made him leave this morning. I just scared I'll never find someone that will accept all my problems. I've been looking for a relationship for almost a year, and I just feel like someone will never love me in the (messed up) way my ex loved me. I'm just grateful that someone loves me when I don't feel like anyone ever will. 

Feeling more motivated

Today is a (relatively) good day. I met my housemate at the clinic and we moved in together so we are now each others support system, and I'm glad that I don't live alone anymore. I also had my close friends around last night which made me feel a little better.

I'm feeling okay, kind of like crying all the time but compared to how I usually feel it's not too bad. I'm an out-patient at the clinic because I find some sessions in therapy helpful (better than nothing). I'm booked in for an intensive CBT 2 week course in a few weeks which I hope I'll find useful. I'm still seeing my psychotherapist twice a week too.

I'm also planning to go to a domestic abuse support group but I just have to wait until they re-open for the new year. It's hard to admit but my ex was very emotionally abusive, manipulative and sometimes physically abusive that I never dealt with. I've only found FAIR from Relationships Australia so I'll check them out.

I still wish I didn't exist and I still have suicidal thoughts, but I'm trying to push through. I don't have anything today for the weekend so I'm a little worried I'll just mope around the house, so I need to find something to keep me busy.  I feel like I've got more motivation today to get rid of this stupid depression.

I'm just worried about the future, what if I want to get fucked up tonight.. or feel horrible tomorrow.. I just hope I can get through it

"Discharged"

On the 20/12 I was told by my psychiatrist that he was going on holiday on the 28th. Fine. Ok. No problem. What he failed to tell me that was I would have to be discharged on or before the 28th because I was not allowed to stay in the hospital without being under the care of a psychiatrist. He was not willing to ask a favour of a colleague to take me under his care, so my only options was to find another psychiatrist, discharge, public hospital, or stay with my parents. 

I was NOT ready to leave and I was NOT told this on my admission. On the 21/12, I decided that the stress of the miscommunications (between psychs/therapists/nurses) and basic lies (to cover their arses) was not worth the benefits of staying there. I'm at home by myself now and I just feel like they threw me out into the street. Public hospital psychiatry departments is NOT an option either, I've heard horrible stories from people staying in here. Finding another psychiatrist who works over Christmas and doesn't have a waiting list of at least 3 months is impossible. And if they knew my family situation, they would understand why I can't stay with them.

I was distraught on Thursday about the prospect of leaving early but I held it together due to some wonderful other patients. Friday 21/12, after speaking with my psychiatrist again I asked him to talk to my mum on the phone so that she knew my options (as I wasn't thinking straight). He lied to her about me wanting to stay with them. So I called my mum to come in and calm me down, and to talk to the nurses. The most laughable thing looking back is that the nurse was so disrespectful and clearly "didn't have time for this". Also that "there is a communication problem", to which my mother replied yes there is, and she said "no, that I (being me) have not been communicating with the nurses enough".

I refused to be discharged on the 28th on their terms, and I decided it was very important for me to leave on my own terms. I feel shit at the moment, drank alone last night which I knew was going to happen.. I tried for it not to but it didn't help. The fee at the hospital is $720 per day which thankfully my insurance pays most of, plus medication fees. But what's the point of going if they treat you like that? The psychiatric industry in Australia really needs to be examined if the level of care is that bad a one of the "best private hospitals in perth"

I feel abandoned, lied to, worthless... the worst thing is that they couldn't care less if I went home and killed myself.