I wish it could all just end.

Never felt this low.

As I write this I'm sobbing while listening to music to try to down out the thoughts. I'm still in hospital, day five now and I haven't felt this bad in years, even when I was drinking. I'm on day two of 20mg of Lexapro, day three of 3xSeroquel (?mg) and day five of 4x10mg Valium . I am extremely irritable, moody, fatigued, crying, don't want to talk to anyone and snapping and everyone and everything.

My 'nurse' just came in to talk to me and said she thought I was angry. Damn fucking right I'm angry!! Yesterday another nurse said that someone would come and discuss which group therapy I wanted to be in to see which fits me the best, which didn't happen. I was moved automatically with none of my own informed input. So today I asked to see weekly agendas for the groups to figure out which subjects felt most relevant to my situation, only to be told "they don't have that kind of information". And that she felt I was anxious and controlling, essentially I should just "go with it".

Also my psychiatrist told me I can take 4x10mg of valium per day plus 4x5mg if I need it. Yesterday was THE worst day I've had since I've been here, my nightly dose of valium didn't calm me down and so I asked for another 5mg, only to be refused by the nurses. I don't ask for medication unless I feel like I really need it..  So instead I sat sobbing in my room for around 2 hours until I tired myself out enough to sleep. Should I act like everyone else in this place and cry, scream and cut myself to get the medication I need??

If it doesn't get better soon, I'm seriously considering leaving. I can't handle being told when to eat, what to do, what I can and can't say and not having any privacy. I'm sick of this!! I'm having more suicidal and self harm thoughts since I've been in here than before.

I've got psych's permission for a few hours leave and I'm seriously considering going with a friend to smoke a joint. Just to get away for a few hours. I just don't know how much longer I can keep feeling like this for... More than anything I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. 

In-Patient Care..

Ha. I'm not quite sure why I thought I'd be better off in here. Admitted to a private hospital this morning, now I'm just waiting for the Psychiatrist to see me. So basically it's exactly the same as sitting at home doing nothing. Except they took my valium off me. Side effects are getting worse, nausea, dizziness, brain zaps, bouts of unexpected rage and crying non-stop.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to sit in my room and be alone. But I have to see my parents to reassure them I'm fine. I don't even know what to say... maybe I should have just stayed at home. Fuck everything.

I wish I were dead.

So. I'm coming off my medication (Efexor XR 300mg) and I'm feeling like shit. The side effects of dizziness, foggy feeling, flu like feeling, nausea and brain zaps are really getting me down. I'm thinking more and more about suicide and it's horrible. I wish I had no family so it wouldn't matter if I killed myself.

I sucked it up this morning and told my parents that I wasn't doing so well.. The first time in maybe 4 years. We don't tend to communicate. Even today they didn't ask.. they know I'm doing not so well and changing meds but they don't know I would rather be dead. I think it's better that I go into a private clinic (who am I kidding? It's a hospital and I'm ashamed to be going, perhaps tomorrow) to deal with my issues because I can't keep living the way I am. Surviving each day is not living.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't hurt myself because I've been there, I used to smoke weed but I've stopped, and I drink shitloads now but it doesn't help me escape anymore. I'm scared that I will get to the point that I snap and do something stupid. I would never "attempt" suicide because I wouldn't want to be a paraplegic or something. If I would do it, I would do it for real.

I'm very good at pretending to be okay, I wish I wasn't so good at it because then people would realise I'm not okay. I'm high functioning and very adapt at hiding my drinking and sadness. I just hate this so much. I'm not sure people understand if I tell them.. which is why I keep my mouth shut.

Fuck. I'm so sick of this. 8 years and counting.. 

Being busy keeps the depression away..

Firstly, sorry for not posting for a while. I moved house on the weekend and had an exam yesterday and a few next week Apart from being stressful it seems to help keep me sane. I'd rather be doing things than thinking about how I feel.

The back story to the past few weeks is that my therapist didn't know that I wasn't seeing the same doctor over a period of time, I honestly didn't think it was important since I hadn't changed meds. But she was worried since I started "opening up" so I went to see a doctor.. he upped my meds like I thought he would. At least until after my exams, then I'll try a new medication... I doubt it will help.

For the first time since I've started seeing a therapist I brought up suicide. I don't talk much because when I do people tend to over react. She was wondering why I don't tell her everything I'm thinking, I said in certain circumstances she has to tell other people what I said because she has a duty of care. I doubt I could ever do it, unless I was drug fucked. My family means too much to me and I'm not that selfish that I would end my pain only to cause them pain. I'd rather just suffer.

Even as I write this I'm so angry. How dare I feel like this when my parents have given me so much? I want to scream. Or hurt myself. I just want to 'be' and not think. It feels like I live everyday just to survive to please everyone else, but if I just thought about myself I doubt I would be here..

Another day of Apathy

Sitting on the couch with my computer, procrastinating from what I really need to do, only to continue living my pointless existence. I wish I was physically sick, or I had a broken leg or something. That way at least I would be justified in being lazy. Then people would see that I’m sick and not presume I’m fine.

I feel like I’m trapped, silently screaming into the empty abyss that surrounds me. I've got no choice but to continue on. I’m trapped between faking my happiness, which is commonplace for me, and being honest about my sadness, which would expose my weaknesses for the world to judge.

 I’m terrified that people will judge me, when it seems like I have so little to be depressed about. I’m terrified that being honest will make me feel even more alone. I don’t have that many friends, and I’m worried they will abandon me. Why should I burden others with my problems when I could end up being more isolated than before?  

I have no idea why but I’m suddenly filled with rage, towards everyone and everything. I hate everyone who makes it look easy to live, to exist. Why is it so difficult for me? I am powerless to help myself, when I've tried for so long and nothing has worked.

 I feel like I’m trapped in this existence which isn't going to change. I wonder if I’ll ever be happy, if it’s possible that one day I can leave my depression behind, but right now it seems impossible to imagine...

Unforeseen act of kindness

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

- Leo Buscaglia 

I’ll start off by saying I’ve had a horrible few weeks. I’m not sure what has changed but recently I’ve been feeling really down. Yesterday I was completely stressed out and anxious because I hadn’t finished an assignment for my class (at university) and I just couldn’t do it. I struggled all week, desperate to concentrate but to no avail. It seems that unless you have depression, it is near impossible to understand why it takes such an enormous effort to get out of bed and complete tasks that others take for granted.  For lack of a better analogy, it’s like sinking in quicksand while you struggle to get out.

The assignment was due in 24 hours and I felt like giving up. On a whim, I contacted a friend of a friend who had previously offered to help since he knew the topic well but I wasn’t expecting a miracle. I assumed that he would be too busy to help me and I would be wasting my time. I honestly felt that since we weren’t close friends that he would have no incentive to help me.

However he spent over two hours with me re-writing my essay. He gave me insight into what was important and what key points I should cover. Even now, he has no idea about my depression and no idea that I was struggling so badly. But his act of kindness changed my whole day, my whole week and even my whole month. As cliché as it sounds, he helped me to restore some faith that people care for others. He still has no idea how his act of kindness has impacted me.

I just wanted people to know that no matter how insignificant you think an act of kindness is, it may be of paramount significance to the person you’re helping. I’m not a religious person but I believe strongly in “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Has anyone else experienced an act of kindness in a moment of despair that meant a great deal to them?